A Message to My Daughters - You Can't Have it All!

Jaymie Massey, trying to have it all 2013

(originally published 2013) I left the dishwasher wide open, leftovers on the stove, lights were on and the TV was blaring in the background. I had planned to clean the kitchen after my son's homework but we
moved on to bath time followed by the usual bedtime routine.

I meant to get him in bed earlier so I could wash my hair before bed. I meant to catch up on bills, fold towels or make a grocery list. I meant to do a lot of things but instead my evening was filled with making a quick dinner, driving lessons for my daughter and a quick trip to Lowe’s with my husband followed by the usual after dinner duties.

I sat down on the couch around 9:30 p.m. to relax for just a moment. What did I do after work between the hours of 6 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.? Nothing. I feel like I did nothing. And when I feel like I’ve done nothing I usually try to stay up and do something and that’s most nights.

Before I knew it, I couldn't resist the urge to stretch out on the couch. I could relax my body for just a minute while nobody was looking and nobody was around. That’s when I saw it. There on the coffee table was the remote control. It had previously been in my husband's hand flipping between news and sports. Yes! What should I watch? It’s only 9:30. I can watch 30 minutes of something. How about a little HGTV? Food Network? Or what about ...

Hours later something brought me back to consciousness. Maybe it was the cramp in my neck from the hard arm of the couch. Maybe it was the bright lights from the kitchen beckoning me to take care of the ruined leftovers on the stove. Maybe it was the infomercial of something I really needed blaring in the background. Whatever it was, my heart was now racing and I’m on the move again because I definitely didn't mean to fall asleep on the couch (again).

Disgusted and disappointed in myself, I finished cleaning the kitchen at 2 a.m., brushed my teeth and crawled into bed for a few more hours of sleep. But, now I can’t sleep. I’m wide awake and I’m going through the list of things I didn't get done (again) in my head. It is a long list of nothingness.

This is a vicious cycle and it hasn't changed through divorce, marriage, babies, teenagers, kids in college or career changes. I've beat myself up countless times for not having a perfectly clean home or because I didn't volunteer for homeroom mom or band booster again this year. During the day I love my life. At the end of the day I’m beating myself up. So this is really a message to my daughters. This is really a message I want them to know because out of the 23 years I've been a mother, I still have yet to accept it for myself. Here it is. Ready?

Jordin (left) and Jessica 2015

To my sweet, sweet daughters, I have some hard news to tell you. You can’t have it all. It is 2013 and I am telling you that women can’t have it all! Someone told us years ago we could vote, have careers and truly have it all. I believed it when I was younger, but now I don’t. Whoever said it must have been a woman excited by hard earned freedoms and I realize we shouldn't take that for granted. But women tend to be optimistic thinkers when it comes to how much we can actually take on in our lives.

It seems no matter how much positive energy we throw at something it’s just not enough to do everything we want to do and guilt sets in. Many of us are never satisfied with what we have achieved and we can’t see our lists of nothingness are actually pages and pages of things we've accomplished. We acknowledge sometimes that our plates are too full, but we really don’t accept that adding one more thing might make the whole thing topple over.

My precious daughters, you are now seated at the buffet of life, plates in hand. At 17 and 23 years old, you are surveying everything that is spread out before you and I’m here encouraging you both and telling you your options are limitless. I believe in you and you can and will achieve wonderful things in your life. But as you begin chasing your own dreams, I wanted to let you know I may have let a few things topple off my plate. There’s a mess in my kitchen and wrinkled clothes are being fluffed in the dryer for the third time. But, I don't regret trying to have it all. I can't help but to keep trying to have it all even though I've proven it's not possible.

Sweet daughters, if you are anything like your mother you will always be making deals with yourself about what you are OK with letting go of today so that you can finally let your mind and body rest. When your plate is too full, don't be afraid to just dump some of it to make room for more. Adding one more thing to a full plate usually creates quite a mess. And if you do make a mess, don't apologize for it or beat yourself up. It's never too late to dump it and start over.

UPDATE 2017

I originally wrote this exactly four years ago on November 7, 2013. My daughters are now 21 and 27. I am a little older and a little wiser and I have a beautiful 1-year-old grandson. Life goes on, but the battle is the same. Women still try to have it all. I am still trying to have it all. I still wake up on the sofa sometimes in the middle of the night with the kitchen light on. My heart still sinks when I realize it's tomorrow and there are things I didn't get to finish.

Sometimes I am better at letting it go and I give myself permission to move on and start again. Sometimes I don't. The funny thing is that I'm OK with living life this way because it's what drives me to keep pushing for the things I want to achieve. I can now tell my daughters it's worth it because having it all isn't what makes you happy. My dear daughters, never lose your passion and drive to have it all because that's how you get the most out of life.